Offbeat look at life, our Guru fucks scientology, makes granny laugh and pisses off the civil servants, or your big asshole boss,…
What is vulgar? What’s wrong? No, just a follower, since then I’m better, like Bernard Tappy or Arielle Donbal (see testimonials)
But let’s start by reading the dogmas that our Great Guru John-Harvey Marwanny confided to me during an interview.
– But who are you? Who is John-Harvey Marwanny?
* Well, I am a personal development specialist. I have developed a unique method: painless personal development. And with my guides 365 Days to Success for Women and 365 Days to Success for Men, I offer everyone the opportunity to become a winner. I myself have been successful in life and as a humanist, I try to share the secrets of my success with people who don’t have as good a genetic potential as I do. As for the Marwanny Corporation, it is a company with its headquarters in Paraguay and its financial department in the Cayman Islands. We have various activities in the field of finance, industry, personal assistance and publishing.
– Why did you write a guide for : Insult letters?
* Letters of Insult is a practical guide to institutional and commercial correspondence that allows ordinary people to react effectively to various crisis situations (threatening banker, money-hungry landlord, litigious administration, break-up in love…) and to indelicacy of any kind. Our fellow citizens, especially the most modest, are tired of being held hostage by their bank, their landlord or their boss. We therefore propose to provide them with the weapons that will enable them to defend themselves in this fight of blatant inequality. Thanks to the model letters we offer, our readers finally have concrete solutions to fight on equal terms with the powerful lobbies that try to manipulate us. Some examples: You can blame Santa (who hasn’t had a depressing Christmas day with lousy presents and a liver attack at the end?). You can blame your landlord for raising your rent again to make more money for himself. You may wish to express your hatred towards the Française des Jeux whose decerebrating games are a real tax in disguise. You can blame the tax authorities for forcing you to pay to watch silly soap operas and degenerate presenters. You may even want to pour your bile on the media who defend the small points of view of intellectuals by bashing anything that is not well thought out!
– You have also published two almanacs: 365 days to succeed Mrs. and 365 days to succeed Mr. How did you imagine, elaborate, invent this “exclusive method of painless personal development”?
* My dear Alexander, that’s what I like about you journalists: you don’t doubt anything! Do you really think I’m going to give away my most valuable industry secrets for free? Let’s get serious, for God’s sake! All you need to know is that I, John-Harvey Marwanny, offer both men and women access to the most absolute individual fulfillment. My various bestsellers offer you the same guarantee: to guide you towards an unexpected success. To do this, we suggest you take up a challenge every day for 365 days. Thus, day after day, each person will be able to measure his or her progress and come a little closer to integral wholeness. And therein lies the genius of my method: a single challenge a day is a very reasonable effort, guaranteed to be painless, but when you multiply that by 365, you get a personal transformation of unparalleled quality.
– Is this 365-day method really effective?
* My pain-free method of personal growth is so foolproof that the Marwanny Corporation offers a full “Money Back Guarantee” – that’s saying something! If, for some reason that I can’t imagine, you are not completely satisfied with your Marwanny product, we will give you a full refund. In order to receive a refund, all you need to do is follow a few routine administrative procedures that are clearly explained in our Terms and Conditions. To date, we have not refunded a single client: this is proof of the quality of my program!
– How would you describe the perfect woman?
* Well, for a woman, as you know, success is being thin, it’s being beautiful, it’s being fashionable, it’s having a career… but it’s also having a good husband and above all, it’s taking good care of your husband.
– The Grand Popo Football Club says that “Men are not good guys”, how do you try to answer this problem?
* He also says “Each Finger Has An Attitude”, that doesn’t make it a philosophical reference! More seriously, I think that each individual has within himself the capacity to improve and to become “someone good”, it is enough to follow my advice!
– Your favorite outfit?
* I have my suits made by Henry Poole & Co in Savile Row, but to look really powerful, I always ask them to add shoulder pads. For shoes, I admit I have a soft spot for Enrique Enko – with heels.
– What is your favorite record?
* But the best record in the history of music, quite simply: Back in Black, by AC/DC!
– What about your totem drink?
* Whole milk. Packed with calcium, protein and energy, whole milk is the drink of winners, you should know that my dear Alexander.
– Do you have other projects?
* My life is a project, but you will soon see in bookstores the Marwanny-Sutra, the indispensable guide to a fulfilled and painless sexuality.
Well, we’ll stop here, you’ll have understood, you must not take these books seriously, but read them and laugh!
Now let’s hear it:
To Bernard Tappy:
“I didn’t want to compromise on my success. So I knew I had to go to the best. That’s why I chose 365 Days to Success – because it has a comprehensive and very diverse offering. For me, 365 Days to Success is a great tool to help everyone become a winner. If you take the challenge that the Marwanny Corporation offers you every day, you become a little stronger, a little better every day. And if you multiply that by 365 days, it’s very simple: after one year, you’re 365 times stronger, you’re 365 times better. And for the money, let me tell you, it’s a jackpot: in five weeks, you learn all the tricks of the trade, and you get the Mercedes, the little sluts and the big parties.
Bernard Tappy, professional businessman
And to Arielle Donbal:
“When I was walking with my husband Henri-Bernard, I couldn’t take two steps without being harassed. After a while, I was really fed up with being harassed by anarchists. So I decided to get on with my life. I knew that people thought I was a fat idiot, but I didn’t know how to get out of that image. Yet, deep down, I knew I had the potential to be smart and educated. So I tried a lot of things: I hung out with new philosophers to learn about their qualities. I ate a lot of fish because I was told it made me smart. I wore glasses to look smart, but it didn’t matter: every weekend I got a cream pie. And I had to be happy when the cream was still fresh. So you can imagine my relief at having discovered the Feminine Success Plan™. I’m finally smart and educated and that’s priceless.”
Arielle Donbal, intelligent and cultured woman
Crédit Fiducial de France
Subject: Your subscription offer to Plan d’investissement Placéo
Gentlemen,
I have just received in the same envelope my account statement showing an overdraft of 300 euros and an advertisement inviting me to “benefit from the rising prospects of the world markets”, thanks to your Placéo investment. May I point out that if you didn’t systematically deduct various interest, application fees and other agios as soon as I am overdrawn, I wouldn’t be in the red today?
By keeping me constantly in a controlled overdraft, you make me one of your countless cash cows and, every month, without it costing you the slightest effort, you take 20 to 30 euros from my account with impunity. Every year, you rob me of about 300 euros, which means I have to keep paying. If I could, I’d close this account and go to another bank, but you’ve got me by the balls with this fucking mortgage. The circle is complete: you are a nice bunch of big idiots. And it is thanks to the millions of little pigeons like me that, every year, I have the pleasure of seeing you parade around, with your shiny anus faces, to congratulate yourselves on the excellent financial results of the Crédit Fiducial de France group.
*
In any case, this is another strategy to steal a little more money from me on a daily basis by taking your handsome percentage. You master to perfection your role of parasites as harmful as inevitable.
*
*
His books, as well as the excellent “Le Dico Des Gros Mots Cachés Dans Les Mots” are available at Colette and in all worthy bookstores!
Alexandre Fisselier
Cette publication est également disponible en : Français (French)
